Broken Heart – A Legitimate Journey

Broken Heart, Challenges, GoFundMe, Grief, Healing, Hope, Kathleen D. Hamilton, Light, Medical, Service, Trials

Caution: Don’t Overlook Miracles

February 13, 2016February 13, 2016 KDH&BJH

Many people have asked the question about how Kris found out about the tumor that planted itself deep inside her head and continued to grow without her knowledge for many years. So today I decided to share the story because it’s impact can teach many people about recognizing miracles or putting your faith and hope in God’s hands when you become afraid or when you want answers and can’t seem to find them.

Kris had many challenges in her life, first as a child, then as a young single mother, working hard to raise her three boys. One of the beautiful things about Kris is her ability to make others laugh with her jovial sense of humor, and her compassion for others.

She believed she had found love, and a life that brought her peace and security. She worked hard to get there, and it was fast becoming evident when she and her husband were able to open their own business, a restaurant in eastern Oregon, and she went in and added her creative touches to the place , so much so that when customers walked through the door, they could feel her warmth and see her passion in the décor and food.

Preparing for her first Mother’s Day as a new owner last year, she decided to give her patron’s a beautiful Mother’s Day brunch. I was going to help her, since I had owned a restaurant before and had done some catering, so we met the week before for breakfast at a restaurant in town to go over the final menu and plan out the shopping list.

First miracle: I usually sat next to her, so we could go over our list together but for some reason, I took the seat across the table. I can’t explain why I did, only that I did. I sat there for a minute and looked into her eyes. Now, I knew she was tired, and she also shared with me that she was suffering from allergies that the sage brush was stirring up over there. But, when I noticed that her left eye was drooping, I became concerned. I was no stranger to brain injury symptoms since I had experienced them with my other children, so I called her attention to the droopy eye, and said I was afraid she might have had a stroke.

She was young, so she wasn’t too concerned, and blamed in on her allergies. However, I did ask her to so see a doctor. “When I have time,” was her reply. I was concerned she would go back to work, get too involved and that time would never come.

A week later on the eve of Mother’s Day, she called me early in the morning and was crying in pain and asked if I could come and take her to the emergency room. Second Miracle: Apparently she had been walking out of the restaurant and without warning she fell; she was sure she had broken a rib.

I remember driving over there thinking that this would also be a good opportunity to have a doctor look at her head. I was still worried about the droopy eye. Third Miracle: That little voice in me kept nagging to make sure we didn’t leave without checking it out.

The doctor confirmed she had broken a rib, but there wasn’t a whole lot they could do about it and she would just have to take it easy. Kris looked at me in panic and asked how she was supposed to do that with the Mother’s Day brunch only hours away.

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll handle it,” then I turned to the doctor and said I wanted a CT scan of her head.

“We don’t just do CT scans, unless we have a reason,” was her quick reply.

I knew we had a reason, a droopy eye and falling for no reason and I didn’t hesitate to tell the doctor. That small voice kept whispering, “don’t leave here without one.”

The CT scan was done, and the doctor came back into the room, scooted her chair next to Kris and stated, “We have bigger problems that your broken ribs! My dear you have a very large tumor inside your head, and it is not in a good place.”

Kris and I cried together and then we started to grasp the magnitude of how that news was going to change her life. Soon after, the hospital arranged for her to be taken over to OHSU for more tests and a plan to deal with the devastating news. Her husband came over to accompany her to the hospital and together they started to plan their strategy. Everyone, her children, her husband , her family and many friends were devastated with the news. We offered many prayers on her behalf.

I soon began to realize that God had intervened on her behalf, because her tumor was so close to cutting off the main blood supply to her brain, that before long, she would not have just fallen and broke a rib, she would have fallen and died, and no one until an autopsy was performed would have had a clue.

“If God knocked you off your feet to get your attention,” I told her, “then it is my guess, He still wants you to live.” I knew fighting the battle would not be easy, but I also knew that her life was not supposed to be over. I believe in miracles, and I believe God talks to us. But then again, I do believe in God. I also know that many times, before we know that for sure, we find ourselves on our knees.

Kris’s journey is far from over, she has had her first surgery, and must undergo more treatments and therapy, but she is alive and she hasn’t lost that inner light that many have learned to love about her.

More challenges have hit her, and she is learning the difficult lessons of reaching out, but I am sure in that area, she will also learn the valuable things we are taught when we let others in.

You can read more about her story by scrolling down to Kristy’s Journey, and also checking out her GoFundMe page at: http://www.gofundme.com/warriorsforkris

Broken Heart, Challenges, GoFundMe, Grief, Healing, Hope, Kathleen D. Hamilton, Light, Medical, Service, Trials

Caution: Don’t Overlook Miracles

February 12, 2016February 13, 2016 KDH&BJH

“Don’t worry,” I said, “I’ll handle it,” then I turned to the doctor and said I wanted a CT scan of her head.

“We don’t just do CT scans, unless we have a reason,” was her quick reply.

I knew we had a reason, a droopy eye and falling for no reason and I didn’t hesitate to tell the doctor. That small voice kept whispering, “don’t leave here without one.”

More challenges have hit her, and she is learning the difficult lessons of reaching out, but I am sure in that area, she will also learn the valuable things we are taught when we let others in.

You can read more about her story by scrolling down to Kristy’s Journey, and also checking out her GoFundMe page at: http://www.gofundme.com/warriorsforkris

2015, Broken Heart, Challenges, Healing, Kathleen D. Hamilton, Light, Mountains, Prayer

Angels on the Street

December 2, 2015 KDH&BJH

This is a true story. Told to me personally by a young man whose name shall remain anonymous simply because it could be any one of us at any time in our lives, or because for only one to own the story would be to say this doesn’t happen all that often. However, I believe it does, but many just don’t know how to tell their story, or they hold it inside because of fear of ridicule, or simply because they were not ready for the lesson, the change or the realization that we are never alone on our journey through this life.

The story began a long time ago when this young man was just a teenager. He thought it would be cool to experiment with drugs just a little. He knew better, but he also figured he would be strong enough to quit whenever he wanted. What he didn’t count on was how fun it was to experience the highs of Meth and other drugs and how easy it was to get his hands on. He didn’t need money, all his friends were much too eager to supply him with anything he wanted. Addiction never likes to travel alone, well at least not in the beginning. It has that iron-vice grip that likes to hold on and send someone flying high and mighty before it releases its grip and sends them falling mercilessly to their death or drops them into a large dark pit that if they are to survive, they will have to relentlessly claw their way out . Many have admitted death seemed easier.

He was about to lose everything, his family, his friends, his health and especially his life. His first miracle arrived with the birth of his Son and the realization that if he didn’t kick the habit, he would lose him. The first great battle of his addiction was born out of a desire to be there for his son. However, what many don’t know is when someone kicks a very addicting type of behavior without some type of professional intervention; they will usually find another type of behavior to replace it. This was the case, and it was replaced with excessive alcohol use with the justification being that at least it was legal.

Anyone who has had alcohol steal their life will tell you it’s just as evil and destructive as any street drug or substance can be. When it gets its grip on you it never wants to let go and the destruction starts to take everything away, drink by drink.

The state took his son away until he could be rehabilitated, and if he didn’t prove he could be within a certain amount of time, they would simply adopt him to another family and his son would be lost to him forever. Day after Day, he fought the battle. He would wander the street in the cold when he would get kicked out of his home for drinking. Every event crippled him to the point of not wanting to live another day.

“Whenever I would drink,” he said, “it was like I was living in the twilight zone, nothing made sense, things seemed surreal and I was constantly spinning out of control with a desire to take charge of my life but a feeling of hopelessness.” For the few moments I was ever sober, I petitioned God to rescue me, but I never was sober long enough to get His answer. I knew my mother was always praying for me and I began to hope that would be enough, but I also knew she was powerless to do anything on my behalf, because I was too drunk to listen. She had always heard that love just had to be enough until I decided to get sober.

One day after a drinking binge, his girlfriend kicked him out of the house. She opened the door and told him to leave or she would call the police. “I didn’t have time put shoes on,” he said, “I just headed out the door suffering from a major hangover and fuming at her for taking a stand once and for all against my drinking.” He wondered how she could do that if she loved him. “You see,” he went on, “we don’t ever see the anguish that goes on inside of those people that love you. I was no exception. “

It was early morning and he had nowhere to go, bare feet and all. He finally decided he would take the long trek down the road to get to the gas station where he used to work, but was fired from because of his alcohol use. They would at least allow him to use the phone to call his mother to come and pick him up. He knew she would do it even though she didn’t live close by. She was about the only one that would, everyone else was sick of him. However, he would have to listen to all the reasons why he had to stop drinking and she would go on and on about how he needed to get help.

As he walked, he noticed people were giving him strange glances. After all, you don’t often see grown men walking down the road barefooted in cold early morning weather. He began to feel a little embarrassed. It was actually degrading to realize what his life had become. These things happened way too often. Tears started to well up in his eyes and he looked up and began to ask God for help. “I can’t do this anymore he told Him, please help me.”

His feet were raw by the time he neared the gas station. He was on the opposite side of the highway from it, so he pushed the button on the pole and waited for the signal that it was safe to cross. While waiting, he heard a voice ask him where his shoes were. He turned to see a homeless man sitting by the curb obviously taking a moment to rest for a while before continuing on his journey.

“Your feet look terrible,” the old guy said, “You can’t walk around without shoes, you will get sick.”

He just looked at the old guy like he had just appeared out of nowhere. How could he explain why he had no shoes?

“Here,” the old guy said, “You take my shoes before your feet start to bleed.” As he was speaking he started to remove his shoes.

All kind of thoughts started to run through this young man’s mind as he witnessed this old guy who probably had no idea where his next meal was coming from offering to give him his only pair of shoes. At what point in each of our lives do we finally get it? Carrying another’s burden sometimes, even when we have our own is pure Christ like. And for this man to offer him his shoes made everything else seem unimportant in comparison.

“No, I will not take your shoes,” he said with tears in his eyes, I’ll be getting help soon. “You need your shoes more than I do because I do have a home.” For the first time in a long time, he had to acknowledge that God shows up just when he should and if we are ready, He teaches us. This young man said this small but also momentous incident was the catalyst to change his life. Realizing on a cold morning on a cold hard street in bare feet, God sent an angel to hear his cry. This angel offered him his shoes. We are only a prayer away from petitioning God.

You never know when you may be the angel that will help someone change the course of their life.

Broken Heart, Challenges, Healing, Kathleen D. Hamilton, Light, Mountains, Prayer, Trials

Learning How to Hold Your Heart in Your Hands When You Have to Face Illness Alone

December 1, 2015December 1, 2015 KDH&BJH

heart in hands

A few years back, my husband at the time became ill and required surgery. As a result of the surgery, he lost his ability to walk and was sentenced to a wheel chair. My immediate thought process took on a feeling of fear. Fear for what he would have to live with, and fear for how my life of relative independence was going to drastically change. A bad break for us both, but it never entered my mind that I would leave him because of the loss of his legs.

A memory that still remains etched in my mind is the day I was helping him out of bed to the shower, which was very a difficult thing to handle physically, and he looked up at me and said, “Thank you for doing this!” My immediate reply was, “Your welcome, you would do it for me if the tables were turned.” To my horror he replied with a firm, no doubt answer of, “No I wouldn’t!”

Yes, there were problems in my marriage. Big ones! Before him losing his ability to walk, I was going to leave him. But then, my conscience wouldn’t let me kick a man when he was down, and I knew his illness would not be the cause of me leaving, however, if he treated me cruel, then I would leave.

For a moment, I was grief stricken with his reply, and of course the first thing I did was begin to question my self-worth because who in the world would leave their spouse when they were at their lowest moment to suffer facing illness alone?

Maya Angelou always said when someone tells you who they are to believe them. He obviously knew himself better than I did and knew what he was willing to go through to be in a relationship. At least he was honest. Were my feelings of self-worth honest and why was I so quick to come to that assumption?

It’s taken me years to understand many things but human nature is pretty consistent with some things. Now there are always exceptions to every rule and the choices people make when they face hardships in their lives really do boil down to a combination of many things. Things like upbringing, experiences, past lessons in challenges, and spiritual beliefs. People don’t usually make a conscious choice to deliberately hurt someone; however people do make choices all the time about how to look out for their own lives and their own selfish nature. Some are more selfish than others. Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes for our own health we do have to think of ourselves, but here is a study that has proven itself over and over. Men are more likely to leave their spouses when they become seriously ill.

In the beginning when young people marry, and they agree to honor each other in sickness and in health they imagine that means when they get to be old and feeble, they will both still be together because that is what old people do. Sure….if either gets a bad case of the flu, they will help make chicken broth until they can get out of bed and resume normal everyday activities.

A 2009 study published in the journal Cancer, found that a married woman diagnosed with a serious illness was six times more likely to be divorced or separated than a man with a similar diagnosis. Participants in the study showed that 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men. Here’s the kicker, the one I experienced, a serious illness was more likely to make husbands split and wives stay.

Now before anyone starts thinking that I am abusing the male species, I might add that there are many husbands who do take excellent care of their partners, but the number shows that men on a whole are less comfortable doing so. So for those that do…You are a hero in every sense of the word, and should feel proud.

Women are born to be caregivers and nurturers. It’s in our DNA and in a conventional marriage, women are usually the ones who stay home, care for the children and deal with illnesses on a more regular basis. God, I believe, designed it that way.

In the past, when someone got a serious illness, they would stay in the hospital longer. Now people are released sooner still needing constant care and emotional support, and unsuspecting husbands don’t have a clue how to give it. They’ve always been taught that they need to work, support the family and come and go as they feel necessary to do such things. Men don’t always know how to process their emotions and are less likely to turn to friends, counselors or groups for the help they need. Men typically rely on their spouses as their main confidants, and when she suddenly can’t carry that load and requires more from them, they find themselves suffering feelings of abandonment. Like how dare she get ill and not carry her load anymore.

So what happens when all these things happen? Not feeling like he can be her knight in shining armor any more, a man may withdraw in a subconscious effort to minimize the pain he’d suffer should she not survive.

Now us women, we are great at taking the blame for all these things, and of course we are the first to wonder what is wrong with us when the man who we thought would love us forever just quits. It’s a hard mountain to tackle, because we can’t choose for anyone what they will do in a crisis. We might look at their lives and question what they missed that would make them jump ship, but we don’t live inside their heads, so we can’t really know.

Now the silver lining sometimes comes for couples who weather the storm together and because of facing the illness together become stronger than ever in their union. And for those blessed enough to experience this it is wonderful, and there are many who do. Women usually discover they can pull others into their lives to be there for them and to help pull them through the darkness. Darkness does not last forever! Men don’t always possess this gift.

Some men just don’t know how to be strong in the way that we women need them to be strong, and a strong woman who becomes ill usually leaves a bigger gap in the needs of men than a woman who has always been the needy one in a relationship. For that reason, a strong woman eventually knows how to rise above the challenge and become whole again. Men who become sick usually don’t survive well if they have been abandoned in their illness.

What is the lesson we can come away with here? There are many actually. First and foremost is the fact that relationships never come with a guarantee and in the best of circumstances, they require commitment, perseverance and loyalty. For those men who stay and honor the vows through everything, I salute you for being the hero. For those who must face it alone, just try to face it with faith that you will get through it and you will be stronger. Try to understand that you are not to blame for other’s choices. Answers aren’t always available but someday….God will explain it to us all in more detail, until then, hold on to your heart, be patient, and of course , pray a lot and understand you are never alone.

Broken Heart, Challenges, Grief, Healing, Kathleen D. Hamilton, Light, Mountains, Trials

Mountains and Valleys

March 23, 2015 KDH&BJH

While sitting on top of the mountain made of granite and rock , I questioned why it hadn’t sunk into the soft earth that held it in place below me. Could it be that things are not as they seem?

How could the weakness of the soft rain drenched ground hold up such a heavy stone? I looked around and observed the heavens , then questioned how a large man made piece of metal , like an airplane, managed to stay in the air, or how a vessel that weighs tons can stay afloat on the glassy waters of the sea. How is it that things that appear so light can hold up things that appear so powerful and heavy?

I was stuck on the rock, but why was I so willing to remain there when its sharpness sent jolts of pain through me every time I moved or changed positions. I was physically capable of lowering myself to the forgiving softness of the ground, but why didn’t I?

I used to lie on the soft earth and walk in gentle meadows under the warmth of sunlight, breathing in the scent of sweet air after a gentle rain , yet not pause to allow its beauty to tug at my heart. It wasn’t until I was on that mountain of a rock that those days seemed so close, yet so far away. So again, I asked myself, if life placed me there, was it my fate or obligation to remain?

A journey of self-discovery usually begins when life gives us a mountain to climb and we are at a loss how to not only climb it, but how to get off of it when we do. Life certainly has its fair share of rocks and mountains, and I’m sure they serve a purpose. They are like trials and pain. It doesn’t matter how we landed there, but in realizing that wherever we happen to land doesn’t have to be our permanent home. Mountains show up more as teachers than eternal punishments. Reaching the top helps us see things differently and with more clarity. Sometimes our journeys land us in difficult places just long enough to see the things we so often take for granted. There is nothing like a view from a mountain top when we want to witness God’s beautiful creations.

We might mistake our reliance on God and spirituality as a weakness or an excuse for dealing with the honest brutal truth of trials and hardships, but the truth is, God is the strength that can hold us up no matter where we land. The soft whispers of the spirit, the gentle stream of light that flows into our being is much like the soft moist earth that can hold up a mountain. Things aren’t always as they seem, and strength doesn’t always come from the earthly beliefs that we have come to rely on.

It isn’t the mountain that is painful as much as the belief that you can’t move off it. There are times a mountain can provide a shelter from the storm, or be a foundation for a lighthouse on the shore. We all need lighthouses! The skies aren’t always blue over our lives, and storms come and go, but like the light from a lighthouse that shines out into the dark stormy night, survival can come by following it to safety. If you must cling to a rock for a while until the storm passes, it’s good to know you can eventually climb down to once again feel the soft gentle grass under your feet. You can know that as sure as you progress on your journey, the pain of the rock can just as quickly change your terrain from the dark abyss of pain and suffering to the beautiful meadows of peace again, remember though that just as the sun covers you in the warmth of its glow, rains must come to water the meadows.

Winter arrives to be followed by Spring.

Clearing Storms by Thomas Kincaid. When in the midst of a storm, look to the shore.

Our landscapes may change, and storms will still rage, but flowers still bloom and we still grow. We can survive the winters if we learn to take shelter in each other’s arms and allow the gentle embrace of God to cradle us in his care.

Helen Keller wrote: “What we have once enjoyed, we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.” Finding our way home through grief and trials usually teaches us that those meadows we long for and those warm rays of sun are not forever lost to us, sometimes we just need to become more aware of them and reach out to grasp onto them. Antoine de Saint Exuperty who wrote the book The Little Prince wrote: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. That which is essential is invisible to the eye.”

That which is essential is the soft ground that holds the rock, the soft clouds that supports the airplane, and the gentle waters that holds up the ship. That which is essential to healing is God.

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