A few years back, my husband at the time became ill and required surgery. As a result of the surgery, he lost his ability to walk and was sentenced to a wheel chair. My immediate thought process took on a feeling of fear. Fear for what he would have to live with, and fear for how my life of relative independence was going to drastically change. A bad break for us both, but it never entered my mind that I would leave him because of the loss of his legs.
A memory that still remains etched in my mind is the day I was helping him out of bed to the shower, which was very a difficult thing to handle physically, and he looked up at me and said, “Thank you for doing this!” My immediate reply was, “Your welcome, you would do it for me if the tables were turned.” To my horror he replied with a firm, no doubt answer of, “No I wouldn’t!”
Yes, there were problems in my marriage. Big ones! Before him losing his ability to walk, I was going to leave him. But then, my conscience wouldn’t let me kick a man when he was down, and I knew his illness would not be the cause of me leaving, however, if he treated me cruel, then I would leave.
For a moment, I was grief stricken with his reply, and of course the first thing I did was begin to question my self-worth because who in the world would leave their spouse when they were at their lowest moment to suffer facing illness alone?
Maya Angelou always said when someone tells you who they are to believe them. He obviously knew himself better than I did and knew what he was willing to go through to be in a relationship. At least he was honest. Were my feelings of self-worth honest and why was I so quick to come to that assumption?
It’s taken me years to understand many things but human nature is pretty consistent with some things. Now there are always exceptions to every rule and the choices people make when they face hardships in their lives really do boil down to a combination of many things. Things like upbringing, experiences, past lessons in challenges, and spiritual beliefs. People don’t usually make a conscious choice to deliberately hurt someone; however people do make choices all the time about how to look out for their own lives and their own selfish nature. Some are more selfish than others. Being selfish isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes for our own health we do have to think of ourselves, but here is a study that has proven itself over and over. Men are more likely to leave their spouses when they become seriously ill.
In the beginning when young people marry, and they agree to honor each other in sickness and in health they imagine that means when they get to be old and feeble, they will both still be together because that is what old people do. Sure….if either gets a bad case of the flu, they will help make chicken broth until they can get out of bed and resume normal everyday activities.
A 2009 study published in the journal Cancer, found that a married woman diagnosed with a serious illness was six times more likely to be divorced or separated than a man with a similar diagnosis. Participants in the study showed that 21 percent for seriously ill women and 3 percent for seriously ill men. Here’s the kicker, the one I experienced, a serious illness was more likely to make husbands split and wives stay.
Now before anyone starts thinking that I am abusing the male species, I might add that there are many husbands who do take excellent care of their partners, but the number shows that men on a whole are less comfortable doing so. So for those that do…You are a hero in every sense of the word, and should feel proud.
Women are born to be caregivers and nurturers. It’s in our DNA and in a conventional marriage, women are usually the ones who stay home, care for the children and deal with illnesses on a more regular basis. God, I believe, designed it that way.
In the past, when someone got a serious illness, they would stay in the hospital longer. Now people are released sooner still needing constant care and emotional support, and unsuspecting husbands don’t have a clue how to give it. They’ve always been taught that they need to work, support the family and come and go as they feel necessary to do such things. Men don’t always know how to process their emotions and are less likely to turn to friends, counselors or groups for the help they need. Men typically rely on their spouses as their main confidants, and when she suddenly can’t carry that load and requires more from them, they find themselves suffering feelings of abandonment. Like how dare she get ill and not carry her load anymore.
So what happens when all these things happen? Not feeling like he can be her knight in shining armor any more, a man may withdraw in a subconscious effort to minimize the pain he’d suffer should she not survive.
Now us women, we are great at taking the blame for all these things, and of course we are the first to wonder what is wrong with us when the man who we thought would love us forever just quits. It’s a hard mountain to tackle, because we can’t choose for anyone what they will do in a crisis. We might look at their lives and question what they missed that would make them jump ship, but we don’t live inside their heads, so we can’t really know.
Now the silver lining sometimes comes for couples who weather the storm together and because of facing the illness together become stronger than ever in their union. And for those blessed enough to experience this it is wonderful, and there are many who do. Women usually discover they can pull others into their lives to be there for them and to help pull them through the darkness. Darkness does not last forever! Men don’t always possess this gift.
Some men just don’t know how to be strong in the way that we women need them to be strong, and a strong woman who becomes ill usually leaves a bigger gap in the needs of men than a woman who has always been the needy one in a relationship. For that reason, a strong woman eventually knows how to rise above the challenge and become whole again. Men who become sick usually don’t survive well if they have been abandoned in their illness.
What is the lesson we can come away with here? There are many actually. First and foremost is the fact that relationships never come with a guarantee and in the best of circumstances, they require commitment, perseverance and loyalty. For those men who stay and honor the vows through everything, I salute you for being the hero. For those who must face it alone, just try to face it with faith that you will get through it and you will be stronger. Try to understand that you are not to blame for other’s choices. Answers aren’t always available but someday….God will explain it to us all in more detail, until then, hold on to your heart, be patient, and of course , pray a lot and understand you are never alone.
A Legitimate Journey 